Fake Experts

It seems that the older one gets the more their opinion is valued.  I guess it's because people assume that your life experience has given you the ability to opine about subjects with a certain degree of validity.  When you're a child you value your parent's opinion and advice (probably because they give it to you whether you like it or not).  But you reach a certain point where you realize that your dad is just some guy and your mom is just some lady.  They are normal people and their opinions don't really carry more weight than a guy on the street. *

*I'd like to point out that my parents are awesome and I do value their opinion, I just don't look at them the same way I did when I was twelve.  I also realize that I shouldn't start a sentence with the word "but".

When we interact with others we often give our opinions and our advice.  Our point of view is valued, but I don't think we should assume that others should listen to us.  I offer up my point of view on a daily basis, but I think that I should preface every sentence with "I have no idea what I'm talking about" because that is true.  I really don't.  Sometimes words just spill out of my mouth and I can't really control it,  and I know you're like me.

The main problem is most people don't listen when someone else is talking.  All they are thinking about is how the subject matter relates to them.  They don't want to seem like a stiff, so they respond.  Most of the time their response has nothing to do with what you are saying, they just want to tell a story about how they were in a similar situation.  The worst of these situations come when someone tries to act like an expert about something based on no former criteria or credentials.

1. Relationships
People love to complain about relationships.  Even more than that, they love to tell others about their problems in their given situation.  The biggest problem here is that the story of a relationship isn't like telling a joke, it's more like a soap opera with inside jokes that only two people get.  So you listen, and you listen, and you listen, but you are only getting one person's perspective so of course you side with them.  THEN you give stupid advice like "Well if I were you, I'd dump his ass.  You can do waaaaay better", or "I wouldn't put up with that bullshit.  If that were my girl, I'd tell her to fuck off".
..........
No you wouldn't.
They don't want your stupid advice, they just want to vent.  And I say let them, that's your job as a friend.  Listen to what they have to say, let them cool down, and buy them a drink or something.  They'll figure it out.

2. Technology
Holy shit, I can't go a day without someone telling me how awesome their phone/computer/camera/integrated catheter filtration system is.  It's always way better than the one that came out last year for a million reasons.  Really?  How do you know?  Do you review products for consumer reports?  No?  Then shut up.  The stupidest part about this is that once you buy something you automatically become an unofficial salesperson for it.
I have a phone, and I like it.  There are certain things about it that annoy me and there are other things that amaze me.  I'm not about to try and convince someone else how awesome it is because that is the company's job, not mine.  People act as if they invented the phone when they show you what it can do, as if you're showing them how to split the atom.
"Oh, cool, it takes pictures AND it gives the weather?  Wow, you are lucky for holding that piece of technology in your hands.  Did you invent that yourself?  Oh, no, you just bought it."
Imagine 150 years ago if you tried to impress your neighbor by having a light bulb.  They wouldn't be impressed that you had a light bulb, they would be annoyed that you were showing off.
"Oh, what's that you got there?  A candle?  HA!  Carbon filament is where it's at my friend, get with the times!"

3. School
Well, not so much school, just classes.  You can't act like an expert on something just because you once took a class about it.  People who are currently in school are the worst.  Say you're having a discussion about the economy.  Some douche who is taking Economy 101 just has to chime in.
"Well, we learned yesterday that the unemployment rate drops in accordance to the blah blah blah blah.... and the correlation is not necessarily causation....  blah blah"
Shut up.  You just took what was said in class and tried to force it into everyday conversation.  That doesn't make you an expert.  Good job on your ability to regurgitate something that has been in a textbook for 50 years.

4. Sports
The advent of fantasy sports has enriched many a person's life, and it has also turned these same people into intolerable ass hats.  The two most annoying things about claiming to be an expert on sports are a)  People are always loyal to their favorite teams and b) Nobody remembers when they were wrong.
We'll start with A.
Ask anyone from a major sports city (I'm talking Boston, NY, LA, Philly, Chicago, SF, Dallas, etc.) who the greatest athlete of all time was.  They will all have different answers.  Their answers lie in their hometown loyalty.  Don't get me wrong, I find that loyalty endearing.  It's a good thing, but it doesn't give you an objective perspective.
B.
You are wrong more than you are right, but you only remember when you are right.  Remember when you were the only one of your friends that thought the Giants would win the Super Bowl in 2007?  Of course you do, because you got to rub it in everybody's face.  You danced on the table with your Miller High Life and said "I called it!  Dude, what did I say?  I friggin' called that shit!"
And good for you, you did.  But what you don't remember is that you also said Ryan Leaf would win a Super Bowl before Peyton Manning did.  Or how about when you said Greg Oden would be a star and Kevin Durant would be a bust?  Sports are a coin flip.  When you call heads and it lands, don't act like you invented calling heads.

5. Alcohol
Specifically beer, but sometimes liquor.
Here's the thing.  If you are drinking liquor but you are mixing it with something, you will never know the difference.  If you insist on a top shelf margarita, you are an idiot.  If the only cape cod you drink has grey goose in it, you're a moron.  If you ask for crown royal in your whiskey sour, shoot yourself.  You try to act sophisticated and distinguished, but there's no way you could tell the difference if you mix your booze with sugar water.
There are only two instances when you should ask for high quality liquor, and the first one is obvious.
 - If you are drinking it straight.
If you are drinking liquor as a shot, on the rocks, or in a snifter, by all means ask for high quality shit.  It is smoother, it goes down easier, and more than likely you know the difference.  Mixing alcohol with anything else is a way to mask imperfection.
 - If you are drinking 20 drinks a night.
If you plan on walking down the sidewalk with your high heels in one hand and your cell phone in the other whilst arguing with your ex-boyfriend about why he decided to bang some skank and at the same time trying to hail a cab and calling out for your best friend to bring you to taco bell as you trudge along the road, tearing your pantyhose, then you should be drinking high quality liquor.  The reason is because you obviously are drinking too much for your own good and high quality liquor won't give you a bad hangover.  Just don't get pissed when that $18 cocktail ends up staining your dress that you spent $300 on...

My main point is this.  90% of people have no idea what they are talking about, and 60% of the statistics I come up with are made up.  Just consider the source.  Expertise doesn't lie within ones short experience, it lies within ones ability to wade through hundreds of feet of bullshit and still come up with the right answer, despite all the nonsense they go through.  When I make a decision, I don't go with what I think is right, I just choose what I know isn't wrong.

tony r.

Advertisements

I think there should be a rule that if you buy a product you should be exempt from seeing an advertisement for that product for at least a year.

Hey Coca Cola, I bought a Coke today from a vending machine.  You can stop blasting me in the face with your nonsense for twelve months.  You got my fifty cents, now leave me alone, please.

Do we really need to be reminded that all this shit exists?

When I was a kid I used to wonder where the TV stars got all their money.  TV was free, so how were they getting paid?  I didn't realize that ads paid for their shows, which in turn paid their salaries.  I also used to wonder what the hell maxi pads were.  Before I was subject to the "changes" portion of my sixth grade education, I just thought that chicks peed their pants every so often.

But anyways, I don't think that commercial ads are really all that necessary nowadays.  I mean, we already know what's out there for the most part.  Has anyone out there been craving a hamburger and rushed to turn on the TV, hoping that some kind of reminder will show up telling you where you can get one?

"Oh man, where's that remote?  I'm freaking starving right now and I want a hamburger!  Where can I get one!  I hope the TV will tell me.  Oh, hey!  That's right!  There's that McDonald's Hamburger joint around the corner!  Thank god I turned on the TV and saw that commercial, otherwise I probably would have starved to death!"

I was listening to my Pandora radio today and of course for the "free" service you are subject to advertisements.  In between a song I liked and a song I hoped would be good I was forced to listen to an ad for Netflix.  I got annoyed, not because of the ad, but because I already use Netflix.  You got me Netflix, you don't have to advertise to me anymore.

If a company were a person then every day would seem like a first date.  They try to impress you, show you the best of what they have to offer, and eventually you spend time with them.  But seriously, if you were dating someone who was constantly talking about themselves and pointing out reasons why you should be with them, you would eventually get annoyed and probably dump them, even if they were improving slightly.

Here's my simple proposal:  Buy a Coke, and you don't have to see another commercial for Coke for a year.  Buy an iPod and you won't have to see an annoying pretentious Apple commercial for 3 years (or until their next big product comes out, whichever comes last).  Buy a Lexus, and you don't have to watch another car commercial for the rest of your life.

Oh, and if you buy Axe Body Spray, you should just probably never hang out with anyone, ever.

Thank you.

tony r